When you communicate with someone, your style will depend on the purpose of the conversation, your intention behind it and what results you actually expect.

Although there are many different styles we can adopt, we will address two different ones here: Advocacy and Inquiry.

What is the difference between the two?

Well, you function differently when you are in advocacy mode to when you are in inquiry mode.

Advocacy communication puts you in a position of “standing for”, or advocating a particular action, position or set of principles. In other words you are trying to persuade and argue for the position you are advocating.

Inquiry communication is different because the point of inquiry is to UNDERSTAND the position of the other person or people, rather than to change their minds or opinions.

There is certainly a place for both kinds of communication. However, the problem with advocacy communication is that it can interfere with understanding and short circuit listening on both sides. We tend to live in an advocacy type culture and society, and that accounts for a great deal of unnecessary conflict, where both sides try to convince the other, and neither side understands the other. That’s
a major problem and weakness.

There is a solution, and may prove to be a difficult one for those who “advocate”. First try to understand the other side, and once you understand, then and only then should you advocate.

That has several benefits and strengths, not the least of which your advocacy will be more effective since you can hook into the perceptions and point of view of the other side. The second benefit is that when you try to understand first, you may find that either it is pointless to continue to advocate (like trying to sell snow to Eskimos), or, you find that there is no need to advocate since both parties agree with each other.

Next time you communicate with someone, notice whether you are putting a position of power across (your own opinion, your facts as you see them, your own position) or whether you should  find out more details about their position before you talk about your own. The order may well prevent misunderstandings and misinterpretations when you communicate effectively.

Many thanks

Mark Williams

Head of Training

MTD Management Training Course

(Image by Vichie 81)

Click below for a:
Free email course “Improve your Management Skills”

Dealing with conflict situations is not an easy option for most people at work. They tend to lean toward the extremes, rather than the solution, that is, they either become aggressive, passive-aggressive or submissive.

None of these behavioural traits are the most effective way of dealing with a conflict or disagreement at work.

One area that seems to raise its head in these situations is the need to hold on to some sort of power. To share power does not mean to give up power. You can liken it to sharing the light of a candle. When you light another person’s candle, your light doesn’t go out. You have more light for everyone. This enlightened approach to resolving conflict involves respect.

Respect is about recognising others as being different from you, not better or worse. The other person may well have a different set of values, beliefs and principles to you, and if you recognise that the other has different needs, you will appreciate the differences, rather than the things that are inherently ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’.

Thinking ‘win-win’ in this scenario will help achieve a resolution rather than an escalation.

Here are some ways to head towards this mutually-agreeable solution…

1. Focus on the needs, concerns and feelings for both of you
2. Have respect for each of those needs
3. See the issue as a mutual problem to be solved, not won
4. Be prepared to listen and shift perspectives
5. Don’t concentrate on winning at all costs
6. Aim for power with the other, not power over the other

If you appear to be against the other person and simply trying to win yourself, the other will become naturally defensive. Being open, receptive and willing to co-operate will lead to collaboration.

Try to create an atmosphere where everyone can be seen to be ‘gaining’ from the solution. It may be that you won’t get what you want until others see that they get what they want.

Many thanks

Mark Williams

Head of Training

MTD Management Training Course

(Image by David Castillo Dominici)

Click below for a:
Free email course “Improve your Management Skills”

 Of all the skills managers want to have improved, communication pretty much comes up there at the top. Along with negotiating a higher salary, of course! But communication is such a broad subject. I often ask clients, ‘If there was one area of communication you find hard to deal with or improve, what would it be?’

A common answer is, strangely, confrontation with others. I say this is strange because surely a manager has the capacity to deal with difficult situations, and bring them to a natural, successful conclusion? Well, we’re all human, so maybe even managers sometimes feel the need to improve this particular skill.

Here are some tips on how to deal with confrontation, whatever its cause:

1) Make sure you are in full control of your emotional responses. By allowing temper, fear or anger to drive your behaviour, you lose some control over your responses. Your amygdala, which has a key role to play in regulating your temper, could run away with you if you allow emotion to get the better of you. Take a deep breath, to lower your heart rate and blood pressure.

2) If you have time to plan for the confrontation, think in advance what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. This gives you chance to control yourself and decide how you want the discussion to go.

3) Determine what triggers your responses. For example, if the other person uses bad language, do you respond likewise? If they shout, do you tend to reciprocate? Have an idea of how you respond against specific triggers, so you can choose your response, rather than being driven be an automatic reflex.

4) Often, a confrontational person will not be aware of how they are responding, as they are on automatic pilot. Make the person aware of how confrontational they are being. Saying something like ‘let’s talk about this rationally rather than having a shouting match’ or ‘Can we discuss this logically, instead of being aggressive’. Beware of accusing the other person…they may be aggressively defending themselves.

5) Show understanding and empathy if necessary. Saying something like ‘This obviously is very important to you’ or ‘This means a lot to you, doesn’t it?’ creates some form of equal rapport and enables you to calm any over-the-top emotions that may be driving their responses.

6). See the confrontation for exactly what it is. In other words, identify the motives of the other person. Are they angry for a good reason, or is it trivial? Even if it appears so to you, it might be touching the other’s hot button. The purpose of their argument might be to manipulate you, so be aware of that.

7) Plan for a collaborative response. It may not be possible for you both to ‘win’, but you may be able to deal with it in a way that makes future collaboration between you still work. Find the best way forward, and you have a chance of dealing with the solution rather than dwelling on the problem.

Not easy, of course, dealing with a confrontational situation, but by following some of the above ideas, you may create options that you hadn’t have thought of before.

Many thanks

Mark Williams

Head of Training

MTD Management Training Course

Click below for a:
Free email course “Improve your Management Skills”

So, you’ve made all the plans on how to deal with that difficult situation. You know exactly what you are going to say to that person. You are confident that you’ve considered all the options and you’ve covered all the bases when it comes to their reaction.

And then they go and do something you hadn’t planned for.

Just great!

Challenging reactions sometimes do occur, and if you get caught up in those reactions, you may not end up with the desired result you had planned for. One such reaction you may encounter is when the person becomes defensive and thinks you are actually attacking them.

Trying to get your point across when they are being defensive is difficult. How do they show defensiveness? Interrupting you, counter-attacks, blame, loud voice and defensive body language are all signs of this method of dealing with difficult situations.

What can you do when faced with this style of reaction?

1) Try to avoid debating the issue. This fuels any disagreement that may exist, because the other person will always try to justify their position from their standpoint. You sound defensive as well. If you try to out-debate or out-argue them, tempers may flare and you get nowhere near a solution.

2) Don’t avoid the issue. If you give up the moment the other person goes defensive, it perpetuates their behavioural style and you end up in a worse position than before you started. You will never get agreement and the other person will accentuate this behaviour every time in the future, because they see it working.

3) Show you understand their position. Through active listening, you gain a clear understanding of their point of view, a position the other person would have wanted in the first place. Reflectively paraphrase your understanding of the message they have given you. As Steven Covey says in his ’7 Habits’ book, you don’t have to agree with them, you just have to understand them.

4) Respond to clarify, not to counter-attack. Ensure at this point you clarify the meaning of what the other has said. You’re not countering here, you are simply trying to make sure you are totally clear on the meaning of what they have said.

5) Clarify your position. After you have listened and ensured you are clear on their position, you can describe your position, without making it appear blaming or judgemental. Stick to facts, not opinions. They can dispute opinions but facts can be backed up.

6) Be positive in your intentions. Recognise their defensiveness is often a sign of either a lack of personal responsibility or some form of insecurity on their behalf. By being positive in what your expectations are, you allow the other to see how being positive themselves may help them achieve a desirable outcome.

7) Work on a compatible solution together. You are trying to work out a resolution to the conflict, so move ahead as quickly as possible to attempting to work out a solution. Focus on what you can do, rather on what you can’t, on what’s right, rather than what’s wrong. Take the other person forward with you to achieve that outcome you are both working towards.

Think through why the person is being defensive in the first place. That should enable you to determine the appropriate steps that will lessen the need for them to defend their position all the time.

Many thanks

Mark Williams

Head of Training

MTD Management Training Course

Click below for a:
Free email course “Improve your Management Skills”

It’s often said these days that we have never had as much information as we have today, and never communicated less than we do today.

There’s some element of truth in that. How many times do you find yourself immersed in information, yet unable to get someone to carry out a simple task for you?

When it comes to email, we often use it when talking and listening would have suited the situation better. Email is one-way communication, and rarely live. You can’t put the message across in the same way as you would if you face-to-face with the person, there’s no body language and you can’t hear the tone that the message was intended to convey.

In order to keep working relationships constructive and productivity high, here are some situations where you should think twice before using email for communication:

* Giving constructive feedback on performance issues. Positive feedback for good performance may be welcomed by the person receiving the email, but it has less impact than if done face-to-face. If you give negative feedback, it is often interpreted by the receiver much worse than the intention might have been. There isn’t the opportunity for the receiver to justify their side of the argument, they can’t clarify anything that was written and they can’t start working out solutions. Besides that, the person might wonder why you didn’t have the confidence to speak to your face about it.

All feedback about performance is better given verbally, eye-to-eye.

* After previous emails have gone without response. There could be many reasons for this lack of response, and if you continue, you may get a very irritated receiver. This is the ideal time to pick up the phone or go and see the person. It might take some effort to get hold of the person, but it will be worth the effort.

* When the issue is sensitive. If the subject is touchy or has emotion associated with it, it’s probably best not to get too bogged down with the written word, because you can’t hear the other person’s reaction and what they are thinking. This one-way form of communication increases the chances of misunderstanding.

* When you have conflict or concerns. An email is probably one of the best ways to aggravate a conflict. If you have a strong opinion and voice it via email, what would you expect as a response? Even if the other person is apologetic, wouldn’t it be better dealt with in person? The interpretation the other person gives it may well be different to what you intended.

If you find you are constantly drafting and redrafting an email, maybe you shouldn’t send it. If the issue involves a lot of emotion or feeling, maybe that is telling you it will only be sorted by facing up to the issue an doing something about it face-to-face or over the phone.

Thanks again

Nick Hill

Training Director

MTD Management Training Course

Click below for a:
Free email course “Improve your Management Skills”