When you communicate with someone, your style will depend on the purpose of the conversation, your intention behind it and what results you actually expect.

Although there are many different styles we can adopt, we will address two different ones here: Advocacy and Inquiry.

What is the difference between the two?

Well, you function differently when you are in advocacy mode to when you are in inquiry mode.

Advocacy communication puts you in a position of “standing for”, or advocating a particular action, position or set of principles. In other words you are trying to persuade and argue for the position you are advocating.

Inquiry communication is different because the point of inquiry is to UNDERSTAND the position of the other person or people, rather than to change their minds or opinions.

There is certainly a place for both kinds of communication. However, the problem with advocacy communication is that it can interfere with understanding and short circuit listening on both sides. We tend to live in an advocacy type culture and society, and that accounts for a great deal of unnecessary conflict, where both sides try to convince the other, and neither side understands the other. That’s
a major problem and weakness.

There is a solution, and may prove to be a difficult one for those who “advocate”. First try to understand the other side, and once you understand, then and only then should you advocate.

That has several benefits and strengths, not the least of which your advocacy will be more effective since you can hook into the perceptions and point of view of the other side. The second benefit is that when you try to understand first, you may find that either it is pointless to continue to advocate (like trying to sell snow to Eskimos), or, you find that there is no need to advocate since both parties agree with each other.

Next time you communicate with someone, notice whether you are putting a position of power across (your own opinion, your facts as you see them, your own position) or whether you should  find out more details about their position before you talk about your own. The order may well prevent misunderstandings and misinterpretations when you communicate effectively.

Many thanks

Mark Williams

Head of Training

MTD Management Training Course

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Click below for a:
Free email course “Improve your Management Skills”

You know that the best way to influence another person is to build rapport first. The best way to do this with integrity and honesty is through a process called Matching.

Matching is the process where you adjust the same aspects of your external behaviour to approximate those same aspects of the other person’s external behaviour.

Because most of our body language that we exhibit is at the subconscious level, we rarely, if ever, are aware of the exact signals our body is giving off. Therefore, if someone else matches us, we are likely to only register it at that subconscious level, and not be consciously aware of what is happening.

The ongoing process of matching is called Pacing; that is, you move as the other person moves, matching their sequence of movements.

But what can you use to match another person? This list offers a variety of behavioural outputs to match that can lead to very powerful states of Rapport. Mastering the art of matching will develop your ability (and give you choices) to establish rapport with whoever you choose:

Whole body matching: Adjust your body to approximate the other person’s postural shifts

Body part matching: Pacing any consistent or stylistic use of body movements, e.g the pace of eye blinking

Half-body matching: Match the upper or lower portion of the person’s body

Head/shoulder angle patterns: Match characteristic poses that the other person shows with their head or shoulders

Vocal (analogue) qualities: Match shifts in tonality, tempo, volume, timbre and intonation patterns

Verbal: Hear and use the sensory system predicates and match and pace the system of representational systems (like visual, auditory and kinaesthetic) that the other uses

Facial expressions: See the way the other person uses their face to express themselves

Gestures: There may be specific things the person does to express themselves with gestures. Make sure any matches are done elegantly and respectfully. Don’t copy, as this will be seen as mimicking

Repetitive phrasing: Hear and utilise the repeated phrases of the other person

Breathing: Adjust your breathing pattern to match the other person’s

Indirect matching: Using one aspect of your behaviour to match a different aspect of the other person’s behaviour, e.g. adjust the pace of your voice to match their breathing pattern, or pacing the other’s eye blinks with your head nods

As you can see, there are many ways to build bodily rapport with someone. Just make sure you do it with respect and with integrity. That way, your rapport will be genuine and recorded only at the subconscious level. This leads to effortless connection and influence with the other person. When you are able to do this, your overall communication with other people can only improve.

Many thanks

Nick Hill

Training Director

MTD Management Training Course

Click below for a:
Free email course “Improve your Management Skills”

Some managers were given the task of measuring the height of a flagpole. They looked at the task and discussed how it should be done. Ladders were purloined and tape measures  employed. Managers tried to climb the ladders, without success. The tape was dropped and tempers were raised.

Then an engineer came along and looked at the managers struggling. He silently approached the flagpole, pulled it out of the ground, laid it on the ground, took out his tape and measured it, gave the measurement to one of the managers and then walked away, with a sly smile on his face.

After he left, the managers discussed what had happened with each other. “Isn’t that typical of an engineer!” said one. “We’re looking for the height, and he gives us the length!”

By looking at things from a different perspective, the engineer saw the answer in a way the managers didn’t see. Instead of asking what we need to do, identify the results we require to get. That way, we concentrate on consequences, not activity; effectiveness, not just efficiency.

Many thanks

Nick Hill

Training Director

MTD Management Training Course

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Click below for a:
Free email course “Improve your Management Skills”

Meeting and talking with others is an excellent way of honing your thinking skills and becoming a person that others seek out for advice and information. So here are some ideas when we want to improve our hit rate when conversing with someone.

It starts long before we actually meet someone. You can’t expect to be a great conversationalist if your mind goes blank when you want to speak, or all that comes out is some banal, bland statement about the weather or some other transient subject of little interest to others.

Firstly, Preparation. Read extensively and widely. Immerse yourself in interesting subjects. Become aware of ideas that others are currently discussing. Prepare an argument both for and against a particular viewpoint. Keep a note of funny stories or witty anecdotes that you come across. All this will widen your horizons on subjects and help you become up-to-date with new ideas and concepts that exist out there.

By doing this, you become more confident with new subjects and offer interesting ideas yourself when the time allows.

Then, Practice. The more you converse, the more at ease you become. Get into the habit of conversing with others, maybe a neighbour you haven’t seen for some time, or a cashier at the local supermarket. Waiters in restaurants. People at the fuel station. It doesn’t matter if you stumble or sound funny; this offers you the chance to practice and make an impression.

Then, the conversation itself. Be really interested in the other person. Give good eye-contact and prove you’re fully engaged in the conversation by nodding, smiling and giving brief verbal signals (uh-huh, yeah). Make sure these responses are natural and unforced, or they will become an embarrassing, distracting mannerism, or an indication you are simply faking it.

Respond effectively to what they have said by making a statement regarding it, or asking a clarifying question. Don’t simply try to ‘out-do’ the other person by stating an anecdote that makes you sound better than them. Simply acknowledge their point and make them sound as if they made a good point or decision there. They will see you as a good communicator even if you are simply listening well.

Try to be alert to your conversational mannerisms. Many people say things like ‘basically’, ‘actually’, ‘you know’, ‘I mean’ and ‘at the end of the day’ so often that it makes the other consciously aware of these mannerisms and they start counting how many times they are said, rather than listening to what else you are saying.

Use quick anecdotes wisely. Don’t try and be funny for the sake of it. By trying too hard, you lose impact and become embarrassing.

Follow the conversation’s flow. Be aware of the emotions the other is showing and rather than trying to correct or judge them, allow them to share the feelings and then simply acknowledge them with understanding. Very often, a person will state something and you will offer an answer or advice or suggestion, when really what they wanted was a simple listening ear. So be aware of what the real meaning and intention is that the other person is putting across.

So, a good conversationalist:

* Creates a balance between listening and talking

* Has a genuine exchange of views and information, not a monologue

* Has a mix of spontaneous and semi-rehearsed ideas to share

* Uses discussions as an opportunity to learn and share, not just to show their knowledge

When first-class conversationalists leave the room, people remember them for the impact of their words. Practice, practice, practice and then you will become confident and make impressions for the right reasons. That way, your overall communication skills in all areas will improve too.

Many thanks

Nick Hill

Training Director

MTD Management Training Course

(Image by Digital Art)

Click below for a:
Free email course “Improve your Management Skills”

Dealing with conflict situations is not an easy option for most people at work. They tend to lean toward the extremes, rather than the solution, that is, they either become aggressive, passive-aggressive or submissive.

None of these behavioural traits are the most effective way of dealing with a conflict or disagreement at work.

One area that seems to raise its head in these situations is the need to hold on to some sort of power. To share power does not mean to give up power. You can liken it to sharing the light of a candle. When you light another person’s candle, your light doesn’t go out. You have more light for everyone. This enlightened approach to resolving conflict involves respect.

Respect is about recognising others as being different from you, not better or worse. The other person may well have a different set of values, beliefs and principles to you, and if you recognise that the other has different needs, you will appreciate the differences, rather than the things that are inherently ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’.

Thinking ‘win-win’ in this scenario will help achieve a resolution rather than an escalation.

Here are some ways to head towards this mutually-agreeable solution…

1. Focus on the needs, concerns and feelings for both of you
2. Have respect for each of those needs
3. See the issue as a mutual problem to be solved, not won
4. Be prepared to listen and shift perspectives
5. Don’t concentrate on winning at all costs
6. Aim for power with the other, not power over the other

If you appear to be against the other person and simply trying to win yourself, the other will become naturally defensive. Being open, receptive and willing to co-operate will lead to collaboration.

Try to create an atmosphere where everyone can be seen to be ‘gaining’ from the solution. It may be that you won’t get what you want until others see that they get what they want.

Many thanks

Mark Williams

Head of Training

MTD Management Training Course

(Image by David Castillo Dominici)

Click below for a:
Free email course “Improve your Management Skills”